I can finally admit this

It's official. I absolutely suck at relationships. I am not (nor have I ever been), one of those women who had the wish of falling hopelessly in love, being swept off of my feet and subesquently whisked away to suburbia, never to be seen or heard from again. While I have been in a couple of long term relationships, it was always one of those things that sorta 'just happened'. No real effort. I did not seek high and low for my 'Mr. Right' (because in my mind, he did not exist. Still doesn't). I was that little girl who did not play with Barbie. I wanted to burn she and Ken's domicile to the ground. Barbie was - in my eyes - an unrealistic portrayal of what domestic bliss was. Every little girl I had known at the time loved Barbie, I mean really, really, REALLY loved her and all that she stood for! No one wanted Barbie without Ken. Sure, the Dream House and Corvette were in high demand, but no girl wanted the house if Ken couldn't 'live' in it with Barbie. No girl wanted the Corvette if Ken couldn't ride shot gun. It seemed that all of Barbie's "accomplishments" meant absolutely nothing without Ken by her side. The realist in me scoffed at their whole set up!


I knew in 1st grade (or perhaps even sooner), that relationships would not really be 'my thing'. Perhaps it was due in part to the poor examples that had been set for me. I had grown up around family members who were either single and miserable, married and cheating or in and out of relationships (I had an aunt who had a new 'love of her life' at least 4 times a year). I had never witnessed anyone who was with someone and was truly happy. I resigned myself to the belief that not every soul was placed here to patiently await a mate. I don't think anyone should believe that they've only existed up until a certain point, and that their lives did not truly begin until they'd met a particular person. I believe that we are born as whole beings. Most of us leave the womb equipped with all of the tools that we need to live happy and healthy lives . Any traveling companions that may accompany us on our journey is an added bonus.

For as long as I can remember, I have never been one to share my space with anyone for an extended period of time. Entertaining company is great, but a relationship is sorta like having company that overstays their welcome. Every day. I hate having demands placed on my time. I don't mind spending time with someone that I care deeply about, it just can not be constant. I deplore having my whereabouts questioned. I am a home body to my core. Those who know me best, know where I am when I am not working. Should I decide to step out for a few minutes or a few hours, the last thing I want is to come home to a barrage of questions. One of the biggest perks of the single life is not having to answer to anyone. I don't quite believe that I am ready to relinquish that liberty.

Despite what you are reading, please understand that I am a kind person. I am fair. I am honest. I am compassionate. I am loyal and perfectly capable of love. I simply have yet to encounter that soul who provokes a different train of thought. It could be that he does not exist, or it could be that my refusal to remove my blinders has caused me to miss him. Probably more than once.


Until next time, guys!

It's all about the energy

I was raised Baptist, attended a Catholic high school for one year, and was Pentecostal for a portion of my adult life. I had always allowed my belief in a 'higher power" to govern my life. I may not have been perfect (nor am I now), but church, faith and prayer had always played integral roles in my day to day. As of late, I have begun to question my belief(s). I won't go into the 'who's', 'what's' and 'why's', as faith in a higher being (or lack thereof), is always quite the touchy subject. The more that I grow as a person, the more I am realizing that I am a spiritual being. What does that mean? You might ask. Well, I guess that once you've peeled away the overlying layers of bullshit, all humans possess an innate spiritual essence. It shines through our eyes, it seeps from our pores. It is so very evident in the way we speak, the way we laugh, the way we interact with one another. With that spirit comes energy. That part of us that never dies because energy never dies.. it is merely transferred from one place to another!

Energy is a manifestation of what is living in our hearts and in our minds. If someone has a dark heart and a closed mind, the energy that they exude is not welcoming. It can not be disguised. Their very aura is dim and their eyes can not hide the bitterness and hate brewing just below the surface. I am attracted to people with bright eyes, bright energy and a welcoming aura. I am very much put off by negative energy, bad vibes frighten me. I look back over my life and I realize that I had allowed people with dark spiritual output to share my space for far too long and in the wrong capacity. Removing said people from my life has given me a sense of peace that can not be described. A lot of past heartache came as a direct result of my biblical belief in 'loving thy neighbor' and 'turning the other cheek'. The analytical part of my being has since taken over and is forcing me to see that I was going about things all wrong. If your Chi is all sorts of fucked up, then I'm sorry, I must keep you at arm's length. I will not pray for you, I will not accept you for who you are. I will make it abundantly clear to you that I have no desire to be in your presence, nor can I have you in mine. Ever.

Questioned beliefs or not, the one thing that is ever increasing (to me), is my awareness of the energy surrounding people. I can feel it in a handshake, I can see it in a smile, I can feel it during the course of a brief conversation. My thirst for positive energy can not make the distinction between Catholic, Jew, Protestant, Christian, Muslim or Atheist. I could not care less how or if a person worships, if their energy is kind, then I have met a true kindred spirit. Yes, it is definitely all about the energy.


Until next time, guys!

Forever a fan of the little things

I'm not sure HOW..or when..or even WHY some people may have gotten this ill conceived notion that I am a difficult person. That I am hard to please. That I am complex. I am so far removed from the aforementioned! Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a fairly simple person. Do I have somewhat expensive tastes when it comes to certain things? YES! But that makes me no different from most women. I turn my nose up at cheap perfume, cheap lip gloss, Payless shoes, and off brand products (of ANY kind). Does that make me a 'diva'? I say not! Anyone who enjoys the finer things, need not feel ashamed. Designer hand bags, $80 perfumes and $30 lip glosses aside, I am still - at my core - a simple being.

Nothing makes me happier than a good movie and a good glass of red wine. Dinner with friends. Reading a good book or article while sipping a cup of coffee. Laying in bed atop freshly washed linens while texting. Music (any kind). Meeting a special someone for dinner and discussing the world from a corner booth (I also don't mind taking turns picking up the check). I like laughter (both giving and receiving). And lastly, what makes my heart smile the absolute most is having a mental connection with someone who is willing to appreciate, respect and honor me for all that I am.

Until tomorrow, lots of love and light.

Not a fan of fanfare

Epiphany # 2: I'm not a fan of attention. I hate being made a fuss over. I deplore the thought of too many eyes on me at one time. The older I become, the more private I grow. Well, 'private' is an understatement, I'm down right elusive. I have vivid (albeit unpleasant) memories of my days as a gifted and talented student (yes, not too long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there existed children who were labeled 'gifted & talented'). Students such as myself were placed in accelerated courses and while teachers sang our praises, we were often taunted and mocked by other children.

I also remember entering Kindergarten reading on a second grade level. I saw this as not so much a big deal, but once my teacher (Mrs. McGrogan, gosh I'll never forget her) realized this, I remember her calling a bunch of other teachers into the room, giving me a bunch of crap to read, and the lot of them 'ooohing' and 'ahhhing' over my academic prowess. I was not proud. I did not feel validated. I was not overcome with a sense of accomplishment. I resented each and every one of them. Reading was my safe haven. It was my round trip ticket to paradise and I traveled there alone. These adults were stowaways. How dare they invade my world!

Both my childhood and adulthood were (and sometimes still are), filled with similar scenarios. Anything that I may accomplish is done merely for my own satisfaction. I've done things that give me a sense of purpose and never to gain an audience. I am far from shy. I challenge you to find a single being who could call me introverted with a straight face. I am not afraid to face the world each day, but I do my best work while in the presence of my own circle of friends and family.

I am witty, charismatic and won't hesitate to provide the gift of laughter when it is most needed. But again, only to a small audience. I've had so many friends tell me that I should try my hand at stand up comedy. My response: "No, that isn't for me". Why? Well, that would involve inviting too many sets of strange eyes, attached to strange faces, into my world.

I have never had aspirations to be rich and famous..no, scratch that..I wouldn't mind being rich, it's the famous part that gives me pause. If ever I fell ass backward into a windfall, a portion of it would be used to purchase a home in the middle of nowhere. I would spend whatever time I have left in this Universe in that home, still doing randomly awesome things, but out of anyone's watchful and strange eyes. Obscurity is, at times an underrated concept.

Until next time, guys.

Finally realizing who I am

At the age of 36 (my 37th birthday is just around the corner), one would assume that I know who I am. One would assume that I know all of my own 'ins' and 'outs', eh? Well, that's the funny thing about maturing, you develop a heightened sense of awaremess - especially when it comes to recognizing and appreciating those things that make you tick. With age comes an abundance of those 'aha' moments.. no seriously, they begin to occur on a daily basis - at an alarming rate! You get older and you become so in tuned with your entire being; physically, emotionally and spiritually. I guess this blog will chronicle my ephiphanies in the order that they are received.

As 2011 is winding down, I find myself doing a great deal of reflecting. Reflecting on how much I have changed and grown as a woman in this past year. 2011 started with me realizing that friends - I mean true friends are very few and far between. I have always considered myself a loyal person. My loyalty knows no bounds. I am a loyal friend and lover. I am loyal to my favorite skin and hair care products. I am loyal to my favorite foods and restaurants - just loyalty all across the board. With that being said, I will admit that I also have the tendancy of being 'way up there' - and of also having the unrealistic expectation(s) of everyone that I am loyal to, coming up to meet me. It doesn't always work that way, ladies and gents. Some people simply aren't capable of reciprocating the loyalty that you've so passionately shown them. Life becomes so much more easy once you've embraced people for who they are. I am in no way saying that you should tolerate people who just blatantly refuse to appreciate your friendship (that's another blog for another time I'm afraid). I am merely stating that you should allocate the best (as well as not so favorable) parts of yourself based on what people have shown you.